Your Accelerators & Brakes: A 10-Minute Guide to Understanding Your Desire

THE SHORT VERSION: Your desire runs on two systems: an accelerator that responds to what turns you on, and brakes that respond to anything that dampens desire. And most low desire isn't caused by a lack of "sexy things" – it's the result of too many brakes being pressed at once.

In this guide, you'll discover why low desire happens, why trying to add more excitement often doesn't work, and the surprising shortcut to awakening desire: releasing the brakes first.

Why this reframe matters

Most of us grew up with the same mental model of desire: a single dial, turned up or down. And if yours feels turned down, it's easy to quietly conclude something is wrong with you. That model doesn't actually help – it just leaves you with a vague sense that you "should" want this more, and nothing real to do about it.

Here's what actually explains it. The Dual Control Model, developed by Kinsey Institute researchers John Bancroft and Erick Janssen, replaces that single dial with two separate systems running at the same time: an accelerator that responds to what turns you on, and brakes that respond to anything that dampens it. Your desire, at any given moment, is simply the balance between the two.

Sex educator Emily Nagoski, who brought this model to a wider audience in Come As You Are, puts it plainly: your brakes aren't the opposite of your accelerator, they're a completely separate system. And that reframes the whole problem – most people's stalled desire is a brakes problem, not an accelerator problem. You're probably not missing an accelerator. You've got too many brakes pressed at once.

Most people's stalled desire is a brakes problem, not an accelerator problem.

What actually sits on each system

So what actually sits on each system? The accelerator responds to anything your brain reads as sexually relevant right now: touch, a scent, a memory, feeling desired, novelty, anticipation. The brakes respond to anything read as a reason for concern – stress, distraction, body image worry, feeling rushed, feeling unsafe, unresolved resentment, even a messy kitchen you can't stop thinking about.

Here's the part that catches people off guard: brakes are rarely dramatic. Most are mundane and everyday, which is exactly why they're so easy to miss – they don't feel like "real" problems, so you never think to name them, let alone address them.

Ask yourself this – a 10-minute practice

Set a timer for ten minutes and write down, honestly, whatever comes up for each of these. There are no wrong answers, and nobody else needs to see the list.

• Think back to a time desire felt easy. What was true about your body, your surroundings, and your state of mind in that moment?
• Think of a recent time desire felt absent or effortful. What was different – exhausted, distracted, self-conscious, resentful about something unrelated?
• What is the single most common item that shows up on your "brakes" list – the thing that, if it disappeared, would free up the most space?
• Is there a specific kind of touch, pace, or setting that reliably shows up on your "accelerator" list?
• If you have a partner: has anyone ever actually asked you what your brakes are, or has it always been assumed?

A conversation starter for partners

Want to bring this to a partner? Skip the generic "we should have more sex" conversation – it rarely goes anywhere specific enough to act on. Try this instead: "I've been thinking about what actually helps me feel in the mood – can I share my list, and can we talk about yours?"

Naming a concrete brake out loud – "I need the dishes done before I can relax," or "I need us to have talked about something real today" – hands your partner something they can actually respond to. A mood, they can't do anything with. A specific brake, they can.

Where to take this next

This exercise is exactly where Temple's Foundation course begins – with a full guided lesson, worksheets, and the rest of the framework this guide only sketches. Want to see your own pattern mapped out faster? Try the quiz below.

// Andrea