Fantasy is one of the most powerful — and most misunderstood — parts of female desire. Research shows that fantasy isn't a sign of dissatisfaction — it's a sign of a healthy, active erotic imagination.
The question isn't whether you fantasize. It's what your fantasies reveal about what you need.
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Written by Andrea Leijon, Founder of Temple
Sexual fantasies are not a measure of what someone wants to do in real life — they're a window into the imagination's uninhibited exploration of desire, power, novelty, and meaning. Research by Justin Lehmiller (Tell Me What You Want, 2018), based on a survey of 4,000 Americans, found that the vast majority of people fantasise regularly, and that the content of fantasies often reveals something meaningful about unmet emotional — not just sexual — needs. Shame about fantasies is extremely common and profoundly unnecessary. This quiz helps you understand your fantasy profile: what themes appear, what they might mean, and how to relate to them without judgment.
The research in numbers
What you'll discover
Key concepts
Sexual fantasy
Any mental image, thought, or narrative with sexual content — occurring spontaneously or deliberately, awake or in dreams. Fantasies are normal cognitive events with no inherent moral implication. The content of a fantasy is not equivalent to a wish, intention, or character statement.
Forbidden fantasy
A fantasy whose appeal comes specifically from its transgressive or taboo quality. Research consistently shows that 'forbidden' elements are among the most common fantasy themes across all genders. The psychological appeal of transgression in imagination doesn't transfer into real-world desire in the vast majority of cases.
Frequently asked questions
Does fantasising about something mean I want it in real life?
Usually no. Research consistently shows a weak correlation between fantasy content and real-world desire. Fantasies often function as safe exploration of experiences the person has no intention of having. Guilt about fantasy content is one of the most common and least necessary forms of sexual shame.
Is it normal to fantasise about people other than my partner?
Extremely common. Lehmiller's research found this is one of the most universal fantasy categories across all genders and relationship types. It doesn't reflect relationship dissatisfaction by itself.
Should I share my fantasies with my partner?
It depends on your partner's capacity to receive them without judgment. Research shows that when fantasies are shared and received well, they significantly increase intimacy and sexual satisfaction. When they're received with judgment or jealousy, the opposite. Assess your partner's openness before sharing, and start with lower-stakes content.
Why do I have fantasies that disturb me?
Disturbing fantasy content is more common than people realise — and usually represents the mind's way of processing power, vulnerability, transgression, or taboo in a safe mental space. The brain generates these images because they're stimulating, not because they reflect your values or wishes. The disturbance is usually caused by shame about the image, not the image itself.
What are the most common fantasy themes?
Lehmiller's large-scale survey found the top themes include: multi-partner scenarios, novelty and adventure with a current partner, power dynamics (dominance and submission), romantic and emotional intensity, taboo or forbidden elements, and being the object of desire. Most people's fantasies cluster around a few consistent themes.
Can fantasies tell me something about what I'm missing?
Yes — and this is one of the most valuable uses of them. Lehmiller argues that fantasies often represent unmet emotional needs translated into erotic imagery. A consistent fantasy about being overwhelmed with desire by a partner might represent a need to feel genuinely wanted. A fantasy about anonymity might represent a need for freedom from performance pressure. The fantasy is a coded message.
Is there such a thing as an 'unhealthy' fantasy?
The distinction is between fantasy content (what you imagine) and real-world behaviour (what you do). Fantasising about virtually anything — including content you'd never act on — is normal. A fantasy becomes concerning only when it causes significant distress, when acting on it would harm others who haven't consented, or when it's intrusive and impossible to redirect.
How do I stop feeling ashamed of my fantasies?
Shame about fantasy content is almost always disproportionate to the actual content. The most effective approach: expose yourself to the research showing how common your particular themes are, separate the fantasy (a mental image) from the intention (a plan to act), and recognise that having a fantasy you wouldn't act on is evidence of a functioning boundary, not a failing one.
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Based on Justin Lehmiller's Tell Me What You Want (2018), and fantasy research from the Archives of Sexual Behavior and Journal of Sexual Medicine.