About this question
Written by Andrea Leijon, Founder of Temple
The last question in this quiz is often the most honest one. Not 'what is happening to your body' or 'what symptoms are you experiencing' — but what do you actually want? The answer to that question does more to shape the right path forward than any diagnostic category. Four desires emerge most clearly: to have sex that feels physically good again; to rebuild shared understanding with a partner; to feel desire itself — to want again; and to understand what is happening well enough to stop feeling bad about it. These are not small wishes. They are the proper goals of this work.
For women whose primary desire is sex that feels physically good again — without pain, without discomfort, with sensation intact — the path is the most concrete. Local oestrogen therapy restores vaginal tissue. Lubricants and arousal oils address immediate friction. Pelvic floor physiotherapy rebuilds structural comfort. Slower, more deliberate arousal processes — longer foreplay, more sustained attention to the clitoris — work with the body's changed response rather than against it. Physical comfort during sex is achievable for the vast majority of women who experience menopause-related changes. It requires medical and practical intervention, not acceptance.
"Wanting to feel good is not asking too much. It is the most natural thing a body can want."
The desire to desire — to want, to long, to feel that pull — is perhaps the most poignant wish in this list. It is also one of the most misunderstood. Many women in menopause assume that if spontaneous desire hasn't returned, desire itself has gone. Rosemary Basson's research (2001) challenges this directly. Responsive desire — desire that awakens through context, connection, and stimulation — is fully available in menopause. It does not feel like the spontaneous desire of youth. But many women report it as richer, more intentional, and ultimately more satisfying. The return of desire in menopause is not the return of the same desire. It is the discovery of a different version, one that is available to you now.
The desire to understand what is happening — and to stop carrying shame or confusion about it — is the most universal of the four. It is the desire that underlies all the others. Understanding does not solve the biological changes of menopause. But it removes a layer of suffering that is not necessary: the suffering of not knowing, of self-blame, of assuming that what is happening is your fault or your failure. One of the reasons I created Temple was to make this understanding available to every woman navigating this phase — because clarity is not a luxury. It is the foundation of every other kind of progress.
The research in numbers
Frequently asked questions
Is it possible to have a satisfying sex life after menopause?
Yes, consistently and clearly. Many women report that their sex lives improve after menopause — once they stop trying to recreate the past and instead explore what works now. The combination of physical comfort, responsive desire, and intentional connection produces deeply satisfying intimacy for many postmenopausal women.
How do I get desire back after menopause?
Start by distinguishing between spontaneous desire (which often doesn't return in its previous form) and responsive desire (which is available to most women through context, connection, and stimulation). Build the conditions for responsive desire: reduce stress, address physical discomfort, create relational safety and novelty, and work with the nervous system to make the body available for pleasure.
My partner and I have grown apart sexually during menopause. Can we rebuild?
Yes — and research on couples who navigate menopause together suggests that those who actively engage with the changes report stronger overall relationship satisfaction and connection than before. The key is a shared framework: understanding together what is happening, why, and what each of you needs.
Is it okay to just want to understand my body without wanting sex?
Completely. Understanding your body's changes in menopause is valuable entirely independent of sexual goals. Many women find that understanding leads naturally to a renewed curiosity about pleasure — but that is a consequence of understanding, not a requirement for seeking it.
How long does it take to improve your sex life in menopause?
It depends on which drivers are most active and which interventions are pursued. Physical comfort (vaginal dryness, pain) responds to treatment within weeks. Nervous system regulation shows effects within 4–8 weeks of consistent practice. Relational communication, when both partners engage, produces changes in dynamic within 2–3 months. Desire patterns shift more slowly — 3–6 months of consistent work is a realistic expectation for meaningful change.
Related articles
Sources: Basson, R. (2001). Using a different model for female sexual response. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 27(5), 395–403. · Kingsberg, S.A. & Woodard, T. (2015). Female sexual dysfunction. Obstetrics & Gynecology, 125(2), 477–486. · Nagoski, E. (2021). Come As You Are (revised ed.). Simon & Schuster.